- What's up, George? - You'll find out.
Where is he?
The chief is the most punctual man on earth.
In exactly one and four-fifths seconds that door will open and...
[DOOR CLICKS]
We're ready, sir.
[COUGHS]
This magazine Stop was started not by my father...
...not by my grandfather but by my great grandmother.
It has been in my family now for four generations.
I've called this meeting today to say how pleased I am...
...with the way all of you have worked together...
...put shoulder to shoulder and succeeded in turning...
...this venerable family publication into the filthy rag it is today.
[CHUCKLING AND CHATTERING]
The results of this achievement are right there on the chart.
On the editorial page of today's New York Herald Tribune...
...there are words of praise we have never received before.
I quote:
"Stop magazine has degenerated into the most disgusting scandal sheet...
...the human mind can recall."
Well, that's pretty good.
And Editor & Publisher calls us vile, monstrous, depraved.
Gentlemen, if we continue to receive tributes like these...
...this piece of trash of ours will undoubtedly become...
...the most influential publication in the world.
Mr. Sylvester, congratulations.
Your article on Helen Brown, a masterpiece of slandered...
...spiteful journalism.
And you, Mr. Holmes.
I've just read the advanced copy of your new article on space travel.
"Sex in a capsule."
I don't believe I'm over praising you one bit...
...when I say that it brings the whole difficult field of science reporting...
...to a new low.
Thank you, sir.
But if one person is to be singled out for credit...
...I'm sure we'd all agree on who that person should be.
Bob Weston.
Stand up, Bob.
And let me thank you from the heart for living down to my expectations.
If there is a dirtier mind than yours in the whole field of magazine publishing...
...or a nature more vulgar and corrupt...
...well, heh, heh, I'd like to know where it is.
- Bob. BOB: Thank you.
- Keep up the bad work. - Thank you. Uh...
I'm blessed, truly blessed...
...to work for a gentleman of your courage and integrity, sir.
And to have such a fine editorial staff...
...that shares the same lack of ideals that I do.
All I can say is that you haven't seen anything yet.
For an example, I've got an idea for a follow-up on that kid...
...that, uh, Dr. Helen Brown, that will blast every other magazine...
...right off the newsstands.
It's a personal exposé right from her own lips.
Does she or doesn't she? Either way, it's a crummy story.
And I promise to deliver this one personally.
GEORGE: Three cheers for Bob Weston.
- Hip-hip. ALL: Hurrah.
GEORGE: Hip-hip. ALL: Hurrah.
For the chief.
Good morning, have you seen this?
HELEN: I most certainly have.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- We've had what? - Six cancellations.
Ugh.
"A contemptible, lamentable hoax...
...filling frustrated feminine minds with dirty delusions of grandeur."
I don't like this. I don't like it at all.
Dr. Anderson, I hope you don't think that I'm happy about it.
This filthy rag is using sex and me for no better purpose than to make money.
The best thing you can do, Helen, is forget it.
Listen to your psychiatrist.
- But you're not my psychiatrist. - I'm the institute psychiatrist.
And I know that sticks and stones...
Oh, shut up, Rudy.
I'm so mad I could throw sticks and stones.
I've devoted my life to this institute and now look at the notoriety.
Well, I didn't ask them to write this, you know.
Did you read what they called me?
"She should be ashamed, and millions of women should be ashamed...
...for bringing their intimate problems to someone with all the knowledge...
...and personal experience of a 23-year-old..."
Stop! Don't you say it.
The nerve of them. The gall.
To call me, Dr. Helen Gurley Brown...
...a 23-year-old virgin.
Traditionally, Helen, the term is considered a compliment.
Well, not by me. Do you realize I've lost six patients already?
Because people don't want to be helped by a, uh, 23-year-old person.
Oh, I'm just gonna sue them.
I'm gonna sue them. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
ANDERSON: Helen, please. - I'm gonna sue.
Hasn't this bestseller of yours already exposed us all to enough ridicule?
I urged you not to publish it.
Dr. Anderson, my bestseller is the best thing...
...that ever happened to this institute and you know it.
Where is Dr. Offenbach? Why isn't he here?
Offenbach is at the U.N. Getting money.
Exactly. And we're getting...
...more grants and cooperation than we ever got before...
...and all because I wrote that bestseller.
But it has no technical value.
And it will be of no help to anyone in my field or yours.
Well, I didn't write the book to help us.
I wrote it to help the unmarried women in this country.
To stop being ashamed of sex or being single.
And I want them to stop behaving like mice and start behaving like men.
Why not like single women, if they have nothing to be ashamed of?
What? Oh, shut up, Rudy.
Ever since I wrote that bestseller...
...all of you have been behaving like a bunch of pompous children.
I mean it.
I don't think that any of you know one single thing...
...about the real problems that are facing this country.
And now, if you don't mind, I have a patient waiting.
Well, gentlemen, we have just been told off by a 23-year-old...
You know, that comment about Helen...
...raises some rather interesting questions about her.
Either way.
- Where is Ms. Nielsen? - She called up and cancelled.
That magazine article again.
[SIGHS]
If I could just get my hands on the arrogant imbecile responsible for this.
I'd knock out both his teeth...
...blacken his eyes and rip out every hair from his head.
Susan?
- Oh, how are you feeling? - Fine.
Oh, that's nice. Have there been any calls?
- No, darling. - Darling, huh?
You call me darling again and I'm gonna send you to the Reader's Digest.
Dr. Helen Brown says that by being properly aggressive...
...a girl can land any man she wants to.
Well, you're not a girl, you're a secretary.
I am one of 23 million single girls in this country.
And there are only 19 million of you eligible bachelors.
Now, what are we surplus girls supposed to do?
We're healthy and normal and eager to love and be loved. Dr. Brown says...
You read too much, that's your problem.
Brown doesn't know what she's talking about...
...when she's talking about someone like me.
A man with brains and experience. Dr. Brown.
I'll bet you this kid's been giving flying lessons...
...and she's never been off the ground.
Get her on the phone, I wanna talk to her.
Yes, darling.
Look under Brown, B-R-O-W-N.
[PHONE RINGS]
976-0404.
Who?
One moment please.
HELEN [OVER INTERCOM]: Yes? - Mr. Robert Weston of Stop magazine.
Oh, really?
[CHUCKLES]
I'd be delighted to speak to him.
[PHONE CLICKS]
- Hello? BOB: Dr. Brown?
This is Robert Weston, the managing editor of Stop magazine.
I want you to know that I'm outraged, absolutely outraged...
...by this unwarranted attack upon you in our current issue.
I want you to know that I have fired the man who was responsible.
I am not upset.
Well, you would have every right.
I was wondering, maybe we could have dinner one night, just the two of us?
And we could talk over this unfortunate misunderstanding.
- There was no misunderstanding. - Try to undo the damage done.
I have suffered no damage.
I really sincerely would.
And I really sincerely would not be interested...
...in the help of the managing editor of Stop.
Or anyone else connected with that filthy rag you call a magazine.
She called us a filthy rag.
However, there is one thing that you could do for me.
Anything.
Why don't you go...
[INAUDIBLE]
What a mouth on that girl. Uh...
Susan, I may have been wrong.
I'd like to be able to get to that broad.
I need a plan.
Something that's vicious, low, filthy and dirty.
Well, you'll think of something, angel.
[WHISTLES]
GRETCHEN: Wait till you hear this.
[Gretchen’s "SEX AND THE SINGLE GIRL" PLAYING]
[MOUTHING] Mention sex
And the single girl is cool and shy
She objects
To discussing sex with any guy
You can bet
She's as interested as he
If sex weren't 50-50
Where would everybody be?
Mention sex
And the single girl will blush a lot
Though she wrecks
Every single guy with what she's got
Then a guy she can 't ignore
Tells her what she's waited for
And suddenly she's not single anymore
Very good. Very good record.
My agent said if I sell as many copies as the book, I'll be rich.
[HUMMING]
- Something's burning. - I know.
My sauce.
Gretchen, you read this book Sex and the Single Girl, right?
What do you think of Helen Gurley Brown? Is she on the level?
I don't know, honey. I don't think I ever lived like a single girl.
Oh, I'd like to prove that she was as pure as the driven snow.
Gretchen, let me ask you something.
- Lf you were as pure as the... - I can't remember that far back.
But you wouldn't go to the extreme like some people.
The sauce...
GRETCHEN [ON RECORDING]: Mention sex
And the single girl will slap your face
[MOUTHING] That reflex is designed
To keep you in your place
- Fabulous. - Thank you.
She believes that virtue pays
Until she hears that magic phrase
And suddenly she's not single
Anymore
[GLASS CRASHING]
Sylvia: Now look what you've done... - Honey, we just can't go on like this.
I'm sorry, Gretchen, but he's got no place to...
- I practically have to live with him. - Practically?
Come on, be a good person. Come on, go ahead.
Sylvia: I suppose you've been beating drums for the Salvation Army since 6:00.
FRANK: If you knew where I were you'd be ashamed, Sylvia, ashamed.
S YLVIA: That's for sure.
FRANK: I'm not gonna stay in this house one more minute.
S YLVIA: Well, you just get going. You're not gonna stay one more minute.
FRANK: I think that may be the first thing we've agreed on in 10 years.
- Take your stockings with you. FRANK: Facing bankruptcy.
Poverty staring me in the face.
- The competition's killing me. S YLVIA: Good, that saves me the trouble.
I began calling you this afternoon.
FRANK: I was with my manager. I'm coming out with a new line.
S YLVIA: Well, it's about time.
I'm getting sick of listening to your old one.
I'm finished. Ten years, ten long years...
...of loyalty, devotion, hard work.
It's over, Bob. Sylvia and I are through.
Oh, come on.
It's your anniversary, and I've made all the arrangements.
FRANK: That's over too. - It better not be.
I spent over three hours picking out a dress for our wedding anniversary.
You better be here at 8:00 tomorrow to pick me up...
...or I'll bleed you for alimony so big, you'll scream.
- Hello, Bob. - Sylvia.
May I have my sample case, please?
How do you expect me to fight the competition without my samples?
Do you think I want them?
I wouldn't be seen naked in junk like that.
FRANK: Junk?
Gretchen, feel this, will you? I'm not asking for praise, really I'm not.
Anywhere you could find a better stocking than this for the price?
- What's the price? - I don't remember.
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting anything?
Oh, no, I was just collecting for the Red Cross.
Gretchen, please take a cab, and I'll call you in the morning.
I'm awful sorry.
- Frank. - I already gave.
- Bob. - Frank.
I'm miserable, I might as well admit it.
What do you call when you hate the woman you love?
A wife.
It's all very well for you to joke...
...but my marriage is coming to an end after almost 10 years.
I don't think I'll ever smile again as long as I live.
- Frank, don't take it so bad, you'll see... - Hey.
Hey, this is pretty funny. Look. Heh, heh, heh.
That's not funny, that's filth.
You know, of all our competitors, Dirt magazine is the...
I'm sorry.
I'll bet you by tomorrow you and Sylvia will be the best of pals again.
- No, not this time. - You watch, believe me.
Even if we are, we'll just start fighting again.
We just never seem to learn to get along.
And Lord knows I've tried.
BOB: I know you have, Frank.
You're one of the nicest, sweetest, most attractive guys I know.
Gretchen.
You know, I wish you'd try a little bit harder.
Because these fights of yours are making it awful tough for Gretchen and me.
Hey, I got it.
Why don't you try a marriage counselor. Or one of those psychiatrists.
Me? Sylvia's the one that should go.
She's the one who's insanely jealous.
Jealous? Me?
Of a skinny middle-aged phoney like you?
I'll cut your throat. I'll poison your mouthwash.
BOB: Sylvia.
Bob, you know me.
In 10 years, from the day I was married, have I so much as looked at another girl?
I've looked at their legs, but that's because it's my business.
But Sylvia won't believe me.
Sure, she needs help but she won't go for it.
- Why don't you go instead? - Me?
Bob, you think you got competition?
You don't know the stocking business. It's cutthroat.
Why, they're slicing me up like salami.
Would you believe it?
Sam Butterworth, my ex-partner...
...is coming out with a stocking I've been thinking about for 15 years.
Sure, I'd see anybody, I'd do anything to save my marriage...
...but I just can't take the time.
Frank, I've got the time...
...and I've got an idea that's gonna save the both of us.
- So let's drink a toast. - To what?
To your marriage and my magazine. Come on.
Ahem. Please.
- Um, B-R-O-D... - E-R-l-C...
Frank Broderick.
- Frank Broderick, fine. - That's it.
- And your occupation? - I manufacture ladies' hosiery.
And, um, what seems to be the problem?
My wife.
She thinks I'm a, uh, Don Juan.
We have a psychiatrist here...
...who specializes in men with a Don Juan complex.
He's treating one case now who's very rare.
- You would be his second. - You don't understand, doctor.
My wife is wrong. I don't chase after girls.
- You don't? - No.
Well, that's even more rare. Why don't you?
I don't have the time. The competition is killing me.
They're slicing me up like a salami.
Doctor, you don't know what the ladies' hosiery business is like. Cutthroat.
In the 10 years that I've been married, I haven't had time to look at another girl.
But do you think my wife believes me?
Oh, no. She says I'm out all the time.
Mr. Broderick, when did all of this jealousy start?
On our honeymoon.
Even before our honeymoon, I guess.
She knows I used to play around a lot before we were married.
- How does she know? - She's the one I used to play around with.
Now she thinks every girl in nylon is after me or vice versa.
Well, you're a very good-looking man, Mr. Broderick.
You're a very beautiful girl, Dr. Brown.
Thank you.
Um, there was a purpose to my observation.
Please, tell me, what happened on the honeymoon?
Well, we...
I mean to make her jealous.
Of course. To make her jealous, of course.
I picked Sylvia up in my arms, you know...
...just like in the movies, and I carried her up to the bridal suite.
Just then a girl came walking by.
Wearing the new Grecian Mist, 60-gauge...
...15-denier nylons put out by my ex-partner Sam Butterworth.
Yes? And then what happened?
I rapped Sylvia's head right into the door.
Maybe that's why she's a little nuts now.
Mr. Broderick, is there any basis in reality for your wife's suspicions?
Absolutely not.
I find it very hard to believe that such unreasonable jealousy could have...
Now you're talking just like a woman.
She's jealous, she's gotta have something to be jealous about?
- I didn't say that. - That's exactly what you said.
Well, I didn't mean it.
I only meant that when a woman lives with a man, she finds it easier...
Have you ever lived with a man?
- Have you ever been married? - Well, no, I have never been married.
Have you ever had any experiences with men?
- I've had a good deal of experience. - Personal experiences?
- I've had a great deal... - Personal experiences, doctor?
You're beginning to sound just like Stop magazine.
Please, Mr. Broderick, I must ask you to please allow me...
...to ask the questions in this session.
Oh, what a sweet, nice and very young picture of you.
I can't help feeling that you've got a lot to learn.
Mr. Broderick, I have a Ph.D. In psychology.
Yes.
I also have over a year's work here at this institute.
- Lf my qualifications don't impress you... - But they do.
- There will be absolutely no charge for this consultation.
Doctor, believe me...
Now, you relax and don't feel so bad.
They do, they really do.
After my wife read your book, you're the only one she might listen to.
You mean, even after the article in that filthy rag?
It really is a filthy rag, isn't it?
Um...
She wrote this magazine a letter...
...calling them names she wouldn't even dare call me.
- Did she really? - Oh, yeah, terrible letter.
- I think I'm beginning to like Sylvia. - I love her.
But she'd hit the ceiling if she thought you and me were sitting here alone.
You know what she'd figure?
She'd figure a broad as pretty as you has got to be on the make.
- Mr. Broderick... - Please, doctor, don't misunderstand me.
When I talk about you or any other girl, it's only as a customer.
You see, I make ladies' stockings and that's all I care about is business.
When I look at a woman's legs... May I see your legs, please?
When I look at a woman's legs...
- They're beautiful. HELEN: Thank you.
When I look at a woman's legs, I look at them because I have to...
...not because I particularly want to.
I mean, what good is a casing without the sausage inside, huh?
The competition is killing me. It's just murdering me.
They're hanging me. They're hanging me.
- Please be calm. - Well...
- Why didn't your wife come with you? - Why?
Well, I'll tell you why.
She doesn't think she's jealous. You know what she thinks?
She thinks she's smart.
And besides, she's the last person in the world that will admit...
...that ours is perhaps not the most beautiful marriage in the world.
Do you understand?
Mr. Broderick, I'm afraid I can't help you.
- I'm a psychologist, not a marriage... - But, doctor, you have to.
I mean, you help all the single girls...
...but who's gonna take care of us married men?
Actually, at the moment, Mr. Broderick...
...I am working on the married man.
Oh, you are.
But, you see, you're not the one with the problem. Your wife is.
Oh, Sylvia's got the pro... I don't.
Well, I guess I better tell you.
I didn't wanna tell you, but I'm just gonna have to.
- I have a problem. - Really?
Yes, and, uh, it's a very embarrassing problem.
And I've been a little too timid and a little shy to tell you about it.
Really? And, um, what is the problem?
Well, when, uh, Sylvia hollers on me, I get full of indecision...
...and, uh, there's a great deal of repressed hostility in me...
...and I consequently get, uh, anxious.
And when I'm anxious, I get scared.
And, uh, because I'm scared...
...I get inadequate.
And, uh, because I'm inadequate, she thinks I'm with other women.
Aw.
She doesn't think that I'm inadequate, she just thinks I'm tired.
Oh.
Well, of course, Mr. Broderick, that changes things.
Yes, I think I can be of help to you now.
Oh, doctor, I hope so, because I have no place to turn.
- I might even commit suicide. - Oh, nonsense, Mr. Broderick.
At least not until I've finished talking to you.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, in time, I will have to meet with Sylvia.
- Yeah. - We don't have to worry about that now.
Hilda, would you please make...
...an appointment for Mr. Broderick for next week? Thank you.
Don't worry, Mr. Broderick.
I'm sure everything will turn out just the way you want it to.
I didn't think so when I came in, but, uh, I'm beginning to believe it now.
- Goodbye. HELEN: Goodbye.
[BAND PLAYING MUSIC]
[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC]
[SINGING "Anniversary SONG"]
Congratulations, boy.
Sylvia, look.
S YLVIA: Oh, look at that cake.
Isn't it beautiful?
Frank, I've been simply terrible to you, haven't I?
Oh, no. Sylvia, don't.
Yes, I have. Don't disagree with me.
Don't talk like that. You haven't been terrible.
S YLVIA: Darling, give me a coin for the ladies' room.
My mascara's running.
FRANK: Here you are, angel. - Oh, thank you.
FRANK: Hurry back. - I will.
Everything is gonna be wonderful from now on.
I know it.
Sylvia's gonna be kind, loving and sweet to me.
And me?
I'm gonna forget all about Sam Butterworth and the competition.
I'm never gonna look at a pair of legs again, unless, you know, it's strictly...
- I'll be right back. - Sure.
Anniversaries like these always leave me with a strange kind of longing.
- For marriage. - Oh, no, honey.
I wouldn't give up my career for marriage, kids, or happiness.
Good girl, good girl.
Excuse me, are you wearing a new imported micro-mesh knit...
...with the double crossbar stitch?
Oh, no, on your legs. I'm in the hosiery business.
I don't know. I just bought them this morning.
- Only 89 cents. - Eighty-nine cents?
I always paid $3 for the other kind, and these are just as good.
The other kind are my kind.
How can I compete with 89 cents? Where did you get them?
See, I bought them in that little shop at Sixth and Grand.
Sixth and Grand. Oh, yeah, that's way down.
What's...? You wouldn't know the zone numb...?
BOB: I can't watch.
It's all right, Sylvia's smiling.
Oh, I'm glad you understand, Sylvia.
It's not her address I'm writing.
- It's the name... - You want this bum?
Oh, no. I have a bum of my own.
Well, then, leave him here for the garbage man.
Bye, dear.
Oh, Sylvia. Look, Bob, it's the name of the shop.
BOB: Look, Dr. Brown, it's only the address of a stocking store...
...and Sylvia wouldn't even look.
I tell you, between Sylvia and the competition, I'm so tired.
- I don't what... - Lie down on the couch.
- Will that be all right? - Of course it would.
- Thank you, doctor. - All right.
Have you seen her since?
Oh, yes, I went back that night to apologize and explain.
Do you mind sitting a little bit closer?
- I can't see you over my shoulder. - Oh, of course, I don't mind.
- That's better. - Did she throw you out again?
No, she never throws me out two nights in a row.
- She doesn't trust me. - Oh.
Well, that shows she cares.
Were you able to, um...?
Inadequate.
Aw.
- I was, uh, bashful. - Aw.
- Oh, doctor, uh. - Oh, no, no, no. Don't be frightened.
Are you really so bashful with her?
I'm even bashful with you.
Well, there's no need to be.
See? We're holding hands and nothing is happening.
Something is happening.
You're gaining confidence. That's what's happening.
I'm gaining confidence, that's what's happening.
Good, Mr. Broderick. Good.
Uh, I'm only bashful with girls I find attractive...
...like Sylvia and you.
Me? Are you attracted to me?
Oh, yes, Dr. Brown. I am, I am, I am.
- Well, that's marvelous. - Oh, it is?
- Oh, yes, of course it is. - Well, then, you're not mad?
Mad?
No, mad. Why should I be mad?
- I'm very pleased, I'm very pleased. - Oh, good.
At the way our doctor-patient relationship is progressing.
- Oh, how nice. - Yes.
You must realize, of course, that this is simply a transference.
You worship me not because I'm attractive...
...but because to your subconscious mind, I have become...
- Sylvia. - No, no, no, not Sylvia.
To you, I have become a father figure.
A father figure.
That's right.
Not a mother figure?
Oh, no.
- A father figure. - Father figure.
And if you think I'm pretty...
I do. A lot prettier than my father.
That's only because...
Do you really think I'm pretty?
Doctor, I think you're very, very pretty.
In fact, you're beautiful.
Uh...
In fact, remember when I was holding your hands before, l...
I wanted to say something, but I lacked the, uh, confidence.
Well, say it, Mr. Broderick. Speak right out.
It will make you feel good.
It's dirty.
Good, that will make you feel even better.
Okay.
Well, you know in your book, Dr. Brown, where you write about single girls...
...ought to get together with married men for a while?
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Well, I'm a married man and you're a single girl...
...and I thought that maybe you and me...
I told you it was gonna be dirty.
Oh.
You're sweet, Mr. Broderick.
And I might even consider your nice dirty proposal...
...if I didn't know that in making it, you are really after...
My father.
No, no, no, not your father. Sylvia.
You see, you're displaying the boldness with me...
...that you wish to display with her, and you can't.
You see? Doesn't that make sense?
[CHUCKLING]
That's fabulous, doctor. What a terrific diagnosis.
- Thank you. - It's very good, uh.
But suppose Sylvia didn't exist?
- But there is a Sylvia. - Yeah, but...
Ah-ah-ah. You're beginning to interview me again, Mr. Broderick.
And just when I've discovered how to help you.
I'd like to call you Frank, if you don't mind.
- Not at all. - So we can be more intimate.
- Much more intimate, yes. - And I want you to call me Helen.
- Helen. - Now, Mr. Broderick...
- Uh, Frank. - Yes.
The cause of your problem is your wife's problem.
And the way to treat you is to treat her.
- Doesn't that make sense? - It makes a great deal of sense, Helen.
A great deal of sense.
But suppose Sylvia doesn't want to cooperate?
Then we'll have to treat her without telling her, you see.
Oh, yeah.
Now, Sylvia was very active before you were married, wasn't she?
I'll say. Boy, oh, boy, you...
HELEN: Oh, no, no, no. I meant, um...
What does she do all day long now?
Oh, I see. Well, she paints.
- Paints. - Her toenails.
That's all she does. She stays home all day long and paints her toenails.
I think that's the trouble.
Exactly, this is exactly the trouble.
- That is the trouble, isn't it? - Yes.
Now, suppose that you ask her to go work for you back at your office...
...where she will feel very needed.
And she will also see how hard you are working for her.
That's a great idea, doctor.
But that's it, that's a fantastic idea. I'm gonna tell her tonight.
- Thank you. - Oh, doctor, it's a brilliant idea.
And I'll be able to cut the payroll so I can fight the competition.
Oh, doctor, thank you.
- Think it's a good idea too. - It's a fabulous idea, thank you.
- Now let me know what she says. - Yes, I will.
In fact, you can call me at home if you want to.
I will.
Oh, uh...
- Sorry. - Uh-huh.
- Helen. - Frank.
[WHISTLING]
GEORGE: Bob, my boy.
There's an ugly rumor going around that you're getting soft.
Me? Getting soft?
Oh, that's a disgusting lie.
The magazine seems to be getting better.
There's been nothing terrible in the last two issues.
Well, that's not true, George.
The last two issues have been as lousy as they've ever been.
It's just that the competition seems to be catching up.
- That's what I mean. - Oh.
We've got to keep getting worse in order to stay ahead.
How are you doing with the new Dr. Brown story?
Oh, fine, fine.
I've already had two sessions with her as a patient.
GEORGE: Uh-huh. BOB: Mm-hm.
GEORGE: Well, you know, the chief wants that story for next month.
Well...
I'm going to need more time than that.
For what?
Make your grab for her.
Let her tell you she's not that kind of a girl.
We can run that story now and let her sue to prove...
...that she is that kind of a girl.
I'm after more, George, much more.
On this one, I want a Pulitzer Prize.
[CHATTERING]
What have you got on Dr. Brown now?
I had a very good session with her this morning, George, very good.
She thinks that she's my father, you see.
And she wants to help my wife.
- I tell you... - She what?
It's...
What?
- Bob. - Yeah?
You're not even married, are you?
No, why? What's that got to do with it?
- Why, this dame's crazy. - What are you talking about?
She thinks she's your father?
Oh, yeah. I guess that does sound a little strange.
I mean, the fact that she thinks she's my father.
But I tell you. Coming from Helen, it seems...
- Helen? - Yeah.
We're on a first-name basis now.
You know, she said some very profound things this morning, George.
- Very profound. - Bob, you are getting soft.
Shh.
Bob.
You wouldn't let the truth stand in the way of a good story, would you?
George, you don't have to tell me anything about ethics.
I'll get it.
Incidentally, I've got good news for you from Dr. Brown.
FRANK: Oh, really? - Mm-hm.
She said Sylvia should go back to work.
What's so good about that?
Well, that way she'll keep busy and it will make her feel needed.
I'm not so sure about that.
You gotta remember, that way she'll be with you all day long...
...and she'll be able to see for herself that you're not fooling around...
...with any other...
...chicks.
Maybe. Maybe.
Suppose she starts talking to me at the office...
...the way she sometimes talks to me at home?
I'd lose the respect of the entire industry.
No, she wouldn't do that.
BOB: So you see, Frank, the whole point is to make Sylvia happy.
Then you'll be happy.
Then Gretchen and I can be happy.
Hey, how's that for distance?
You know, Bob, it's a good idea.
Besides, it'd help me cut the payroll.
How's that for distance?
[GLASS CRASHES]
S YLVIA: Work? Keep busy?
Honey, can't you find another apartment?
S YLVIA: What do you think I do?
- Sit around and paint my toenails? FRANK: Sylvia, keep your voice down.
S YLVIA: You're not ordering me around, buster.
Of all the stupid, idiotic, mortifying, moronic.
- Are you out of your head? - Okay.
You think I married you so I could keep on working for you?
Okay, okay.
Are you asking me to go back to the lousy life I had 10 years ago...
...before I began this lousy life?
Okay, okay, okay.
Lower your voice when you talk to me, I'm a lady.
I thought you'd want to pitch right in with me...
...hammer and tong, tooth and nail.
- I thought you'd want to feel needed. - Needed?
Needed? Buster, you need me.
Couldn't live without me...
...because I'll take every penny you own when I go.
And I will go if you ever come up with another cheap idea like that.
That won't be necessary, Sylvia. I'm going.
S YLVIA: So go.
And this time, I'm really going far.
- Go far. - And taking all my samples with me.
I thought you'd want to get in, fight the competition.
Thought you'd wanna see how they strangle me...
...with cheap imported fabrics.
One day, you're going to realize what a good, kind, loyal...
Shut up and get out.
That's some great idea of yours. Did you hear her?
- Did you hear how ungrateful she was? - Ungrateful?
Me? Ungrateful?
Yes, you.
Don't kid me, buster.
All you want to do is cut your payroll.
- Bob. BOB: Frank.
I'm miserable.
This time, I know it's really over for good.
Hello, Gretchen.
One day, she's gonna wake up and realize...
...what a good, loyal man I've been all these years.
Holy mackerel, I could kill myself and be better off than I am now.
- That's a great idea. FRANK: What?
- To kill yourself. - Who, me?
BOB: Yeah. - Why?
I've got a marvelous job and a lovely wife.
You're right so I'm gonna do it for you. Gretchen, Gretchen, come on.
- I'm gonna drop you home. GRETCHEN: Where are you going?
- To kill myself. GRETCHEN: Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONOGRAPH]
Rudy, what are you doing?
We call it play therapy.
According to your book, it's supposed to make you feel good too.
Rudy, that book is a research study, not an autobiography.
RUD Y: Which is exactly why...
...you aren't solving your own problems as a single girl.
I've solved all my problems.
I've got this new apartment, enough money for furs and diamonds...
...and everything else I've always wanted.
I get fan mail, Rudy, packs of fan mail every week.
And I'm not ashamed of any of it.
But you aren't married.
Married? I don't wanna be married.
I've got work I care about much more.
That's why I became a psychologist.
Why did you become a psychiatrist?
Because I like to hear dirty stories.
And I'm hearing plenty from that patient of mine.
Helen, he's driving me wild.
I don't know whether it's him or that magazine article about you, but...
Rudy, stop. It's that magazine article.
Before it was published, you never thought of me as a girl.
That's right, I didn't. Merely as a colleague.
- And now, all you wanna do is bite me. - That's right, I do.
Helen, I must know.
Since that magazine raised the question of whether you were or weren't...
Why must you know?
Why? All of us want to know.
Offenbach's taking bets.
Helen, if you aren't, this elegant and very expensive evening...
...I've arranged for you will all be such a waste of time.
But if you are...
- You'd marry me? - Maybe.
But only if I were sure.
[HELEN GROANS]
Rudy, stop it.
Oh, you're such a prude.
I'm simply appalled at the double standard...
...you men keep trying to impose on us women.
Well, I, for one, am simply not going to submit...
Are you parting your hair differently?
No, this.
The beard.
Well, anyway, when I do get married...
...it's not gonna be for love, or sex or romance.
I can get all of those things outside of marriage just as easily as you can.
Me? I'm having a terrible time.
[PHONE RINGING]
And I shall insist on the right to have as many love affairs as I please.
I'm certainly not going to sacrifice one iota...
...of my freedom or dignity for any man.
Hello?
Dr. Brown, this is Frank Broderick, and I'm gonna kill myself.
What? You... What? Mr. Broderick, no.
- Why would you wanna kill yourself? BOB: Because of you.
If I can 't have you, Dr. Brown, life isn't worth living.
Oh, no, Mr. Broderick, not me. It's Sylvia that you need.
It's you. I've got Sylvia. Life still isn't worth living.
Where are you?
I'm down at the pier. I'm gonna jump in and drown.
No, Mr. Broderick, please! Not until I get there, wait.
All right, Dr. Brown. I'll try to hold on until you get here.
But hurry.
Good night, Rudy.
[WHISTLING]
Give me a cigarette.
- Beat it. - Be nice to me, I'm a bum.
Thinking of jumping?
What size shoe do you wear?
Nine and a half C.
My size. Would you mind jumping barefoot?
Ugh.
Wait a minute.
Come here, take off your coat.
Take off your coat. Let me have it, come on.
Whew. Here, put this on.
Now, if by chance, I wind up in the water, will you throw me one of those?
MAN: Yeah. BOB: You can keep the coat.
MAN: Yeah. - You mind staying out of sight?
- Yeah. - Thanks a lot, looks terrific on you.
Wait, I may need help.
Mr. Broderick, Mr. Broderick.
BOB: Dr. Brown.
Helen, I'm here.
Mr. Broderick!
- Stop, don't jump. - I've got to.
- I've got to. No. HELEN: No, don't jump.
No. Mr. Broderick. Oh! Oh!
I'm so glad I got here.
- So am I. - I was terrified.
When you called, I didn't know what to do. I thought I'd go out of my mind.
All those red lights. Everywhere, there was a red light.
You know that on the corner of Adams Avenue and 18th Avenue...
...they have a signal that lasts over three minutes?
- New building... - I'm glad you're all right.
- I was so afraid, I wouldn't get here. - But you did.
If anything happened to you, I would blame myself.
- You don't have to. - I would blame myself.
- It would be my fault. - No.
I'd kill myself, I'd kill myself. I'd plunge right...
- Let me go. Please, let me go. - No, Helen.
- Please. - Everything is fine.
- It is? - Everything is just fine.
Now, just calm down. Yeah, yeah.
- Are you all right? - Oh, I'm fine.
- You're not gonna jump? - No, not at all.
- I'm so glad. - No, no.
I'm so glad. Oh, Mr. Broderick.
Please, we mustn't.
- Mr. Broderick, no please, don't. Oh! - Ahh!
HELEN: Whoa!
- Can you swim? - A little.
Help! Help!
Help me help him!
DRIVER: Hang on, sir. HELEN: Okay.
[GRUNTING]
DRIVER: Okay, miss. We have you.
Hey, mister.
Wait a minute.
What about the shoes? I'm only a poor bum.
MAN: There.
DRIVER: Where to, lady?
Oh, uh, Mr. Broderick, what's your address?
Well, we'll just have to go to my place. I'll give you the directions.
I, uh, hope that robe is all right.
It belongs to my mother.
It's fine.
I'm sure these things will dry in just a minute.
Does your, uh, mother live here with you?
Oh, no. Mother is in Evanston, Illinois.
Evanston, Illinois, my goodness.
- Here you are. - Oh, no, thank you.
I, uh, don't drink.
Dry martini. It will help dry you out.
- No, I have a metabolism thing, and l... - Oh, metabolism.
I get drunk very easily.
I see. I was reading a medical journal the other day...
...where it said that if you take a drink and take it down in one gulp...
...it bypasses the metabolism.
- Really? - Yes, here, I'll show you what I mean.
- That's strange. - Yeah.
You see what I mean? No effect at all.
- You mean, you just... - Just drink it down fast.
- This is medically proven. - Medically proven, yes.
- By six out of five doctors, I'm sure. - Well, if that's the case...
Bottoms up.
- I see what you mean. - See?
- Yes. - I knew you would.
Here, I'll get the rest.
I hope you don't feel odd or anything because you're wearing a woman's robe.
Oh, no, not at all.
In fact, I was thinking I look just like, um, Jack Lemmon did in that movie...
...where he dressed up like a girl, remember?
Oh, yes.
- Oh, is your head all right? - Uh, it will be all right in a minute, l...
It's the, uh, lights. They're so bright. Oh.
Oh, well, put the light out.
Come here, sit down. Come on.
Come on.
Now, Mr. Broderick, I know that we can both be adult...
...and not childish.
I mean, I hope you don't feel uncomfortable or anything...
...because we're both sitting here with just these thin robes on...
...and no clothes underneath.
I didn't even notice it.
- It's awfully warm in here, isn't it? - It's bright, very bright.
- The lights are bright. - Oh.
I'll turn this light out, then.
The darkness will help us both to relax.
- Is there any more of this? - Are you kidding?
There you are, Helen.
Thank you.
Helen, remember the sipping, your metabolism.
- Oh, yes, yes. - Bottoms up, there you go.
A little more. That's it. Keep going.
- There. - Mmm.
[CHUCKLING]
- Now, Mr. Broderick... - Uh-huh.
- Frank. Frank. - Right.
Wasn't that a naughty thing you did, trying to kill yourself that way?
Just to attract Sylvia's attention.
I didn't do it to attract Sylvia's attention. I did it to attract your attention.
But I am Sylvia to you. Don't you see?
And I really must speak to her and tell her about this.
Well, I wish you wouldn't.
Do you know why, doctor? She'll holler on me.
Exactly, and when you phoned me, you knew that I wouldn't holler on you.
But then, then to actually jump in.
Doctor, forgive me, but I didn't jump in.
You remember we were standing in each other's arms and you pushed me in?
Oh, yes, I remember.
Yes, I pushed you in because you were forgetting yourself, Mr. Broderick.
Doctor, I'm sorry again, but you pushed me in...
...because you were forgetting yourself.
Well, perhaps in the excitement, I may have, um...
[MUMBLES]
You know, when you smile like that, you do look like Jack Lemmon.
Well, that's a wonderful compliment. Thank you very much.
Sylvia never says nice things to me.
Maybe that's why I don't have confidence.
Well, I'm gonna give you the confidence.
Mr. Broderick, I am gonna teach you how to woo the woman...
...you've been married to for ten years and make her respond to you.
Let me just turn this light out.
Darkness will always help you succeed in making love to me.
- I mean, to Sylvia. BOB: Sylvia.
Sylvia.
[LAUGHING]
Now, you don't even know Sylvia anymore, do you?
Sylvia who?
When you walk in, you don't know if she's gonna embrace you...
...or holler on you, right?
I really don't know.
So I'm gonna give you some tips on how you can control her.
Oh, very good.
Now, one of the many ways to control the woman...
...is through the power of touch.
Give me your hand.
Holding a woman's or a man's hand...
...in a gentle yet firm and caressing way says many, many things.
I can hear them now.
Also, there are certain erogenous areas of the body.
The back and sides of the neck for example.
Do not get discouraged if you get no response from me.
- My neck is a dead area. - Yeah.
However, it's very much alive in over 90 percent of all women.
I've made a statistical study.
You make many statistical studies, don't you, doctor?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
Oh, yes, kissing the ear is very helpful too.
Oh, yes, I made up my mind very early that I was gonna learn all I could...
...about love and marriage before I made my mistakes.
Now switch over to the other ear.
By this time, in most cases...
...that other ear will just be begging for attention.
No, sir, I'm not going to gamble with my life.
- Particularly when it comes to men. - Mm-hm.
But gambling can be part of the fun.
I mean, don't you ever go and experiment on your own?
I mean, as a woman, or aren't you that kind of a girl?
What kind of a girl?
That kind of a girl.
What kind of a girl?
The kind of a girl that is that kind of a girl.
Mr. Broderick, why is it...
...that every time I begin interviewing you, you wind up interviewing me?
You're absolutely right.
Now...
About my problem, where were we?
Mr. Broderick, bear in mind that it's not me you're touching but Sylvia.
Now, get close to me and begin caressing me.
And if I don't respond...
If I don't respond, it's because I have this dead area...
...and I never feel...
Oh, it's awfully warm in here, isn't it, Mr. Broderick?
No, it's very bright.
- Bright? All the lights are out. - Mm-hm. Hmm.
Oh.
Yes, that's very good, Mr. Broderick.
You're doing fine, just doing fine.
You're very beautiful, Helen.
No, not me.
It's Sylvia.
No, you're very beautiful.
No, I...
Am I?
Really beautiful.
Am I really beautiful?
Beautiful.
And you really think that some day, that maybe some man...?
I mean, a man like you really will fall in love with me?
I am in love with you.
Go away.
- Helen, l... - Go away.
I meant it, Helen. I love you.
Well, I mean it too. That's why I want you to leave.
Mr. Broderick, I want you to leave this apartment.
And I don't ever want you to come back here again.
- Hello, operator? WOMAN: Yes?
May I please have the area code for direct dialling to Evanston, Illinois?
Hello, Mother?
It's Helen.
I'm in trouble.
Oh, no, it isn't that. It's worse.
I'm in love with a married man.
[CRYING]
Excuse me, but would you call me a cab?
- Sure thing, Mr. Lemmon. - What?
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, Mrs. Broderick?
Yeah, what is it?
Ahem. I'm Dr. Brown, and I've come to discuss your marriage and your sex life.
- What? - Frank has been coming to see me.
Are you one of them?
I am a psychologist, Mrs. Broderick...
...and your husband has been talking to me about your marriage.
Come on in, kid. We'll have some coffee, huh?
I'm afraid there's been some mistake, kid. There are no problems in my marriage.
HELEN: But you do quarrel, don't you? S YLVIA: Never.
HELEN: Mrs. Broderick, why would Frank tell me these things?
I intend to find that out the minute he comes in.
Mrs. Broderick...
...do you really love your husband?
Oh, I do.
Then you must do something quickly to restore his self-confidence.
He's asked you to return to work for him, hasn't he?
Oh, yes, and I told him I would give the matter...
...my most serious consideration.
Then do it, please.
It would mean so much to him to have you there beside him...
...when he's fighting off people like Sam Butterworth.
You mean, it's not just to cut the payroll?
Oh, no.
He wants you with him because he loves you...
...and wants to save his marriage.
Believe me, I know.
Well, in that case, I'll go down to the office today.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Broderick. Thank you.
Well, I must be running off.
I do have my patients.
Hey, tell me, kid, why are you doing all this?
Why?
Because I wanna help Frank, and I wanna help you.
Because my mother told me to.
Eunice, where's Mr. Broderick?
Mr. Broderick's in the back.
Frank, the factory is idle. The machines are just lying there.
Don't we have any orders coming in?
- Don't you know how much this'll cost...? MAN: Good news.
I got an order for 6000 dozen, but you have to produce them immediately.
Immediately? That's impossible.
You expect me to stop the factory for you?
You told me the whole factory was idle.
He don't have to know that.
Won't you two please talk to each other?
They're strangling me with synthetic fibres from Japan.
I wanted those legs large.
Large, so all the visitors would think we're large, doesn't anybody understand?
Mr. Broderick, the display is ready.
Good.
Good, good, good.
Frances, move just a little bit to the right. Amy, step back just a little.
Jeanette, you've been surfing again. Look at those knees.
One day, you're gonna have to decide between...
Sylvia.
- Sylvia, darling, you changed your mind. - Oh.
Oh, I'm so happy.
Girls, look, it's my wife.
She used to work here and she married the boss.
You see, if you're nice to me, maybe you can marry me.
I was just kidding.
I'm gonna take you to the biggest, most beautiful lunch you ever had.
Girls, take the rest of the day off with pay.
No, make it an hour and you better be on time.
I'm gonna get you the most beautiful lunch. Oh, dreamboat, I'm so happy.
From now on we're gonna have the most beautiful marriage...
...the most beautiful...
Get the elevator. I gotta make one phone call.
I'll be right with you.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
You don't fool me. Mm-hm.
You're thinking I'm falling for this Helen Brown dame.
Right, huh?
And when the time comes for me to hand in the story...
...well, I'm not gonna go through with it, huh?
Well, you're wrong, see?
I'm still the dirtiest louse in the publishing business.
[CHATTERING]
Take a look at this exposé I'm doing on Santa Claus.
Why, there isn't an editor in the country who would dare to be that despicable.
That's highbrow stuff.
You've got enough material on Helen Brown now.
She thinks she's your father, doesn't she?
You're letting my whole family down.
Chief, I'm after something big, something with real social significance.
The time to run that story is right now.
MAN: All you're doing is wasting time.
Wasting time?
I'm gonna tell you something I didn't want to.
Do you know where I was last night?
In her apartment.
You know what we were doing?
We were sitting around with robes with nothing on underneath.
[WHISTLING AND CHUCKLING]
What happened?
Well, she started to cry.
- That's great. - Great?
Marvelous.
I tell you, Weston, you're right. This is a story with social significance.
That's why I wanna follow through with it.
I need one week.
You've got it.
That's all you've got.
That's all I need.
And in one week...
...I'll prove to you amateurs that I've earned my reputation.
And prove that every single, filthy, dirty lie...
...that you've ever heard about me is true.
- Any messages, Hilda? HILDA: No, Dr. Brown.
Oh, good.
Dr. Brown, would you mind autographing just a few more copies?
For my nieces in Wilmington.
Yes, Hilda, before I leave.
Rudy, I think I'm falling in love.
You do?
Well, I must say there was a certain inevitability about it...
...once I set my mind to something.
Oh, no, Rudy, not with you.
Although I wish it were.
It's with a patient.
Oh, in that case, it isn't serious.
There's always a phase...
...in which the therapist falls in love with the patient.
No, Rudy, it's the other way around.
Oh? Whichever way it is, the important thing is to face the situation squarely...
...and recognize that this man you think you're in love with...
...is no more to you than a mother substitute.
- A mother substitute? - Yes, of course.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
Oh, shut up, Rudy. Yes, Hilda.
Dr. Brown, Mr. Broderick is on the phone.
Oh.
Hello, Mother... Hello?
Helen, I must see you. Have lunch with me.
Mr. Broderick, I will not have lunch with you.
Why? Aren't you hungry?
- Is that the man? - Yes.
Have lunch with him, Helen. Listen to Rudy.
This is only a phase.
You'll what?
BOB [ON SPEAKERPHONE]: I'll kill myself.
I'll come up to your office, and I'll kill myself.
There is absolutely nothing you could say or do that would make me...
Then meet me in a public place.
Somewhere where I can't possibly behave the way I want to.
Absolutely not.
How about the zoo?
- Fine, 15 minutes. - Right.
[GIBBERING]
BOB: Will you listen to me?
Last night, something happened that was very real.
Something that very few people get.
I know, drowned.
You know what I mean.
You're not talking like a shy stocking manufacturer now.
Helen, you mean more to me than an order from Kresge's.
This is insane, impossible.
We must be civilized.
BOB: But I am being civilized.
HELEN: No, you're not, you're talking like an animal.
After all, you're a married man.
Married, huh? I've done a little research.
And right from your own book. Usually, and I quote from memory:
"Married men tend to be generous and ardent to their girlfriends...
...and make ideal companions."
Now, you wrote that.
HELEN: But that was an observation, not a recommendation.
If you had read further, you would see that I also say that man is not an ape.
He has an opportunity, a challenge and a responsibility...
...to seek permanent marriage, which you have already done.
And it is only in this way...
...that we are morally superior to the lower animals.
[GIBBERING]
Helen.
Suppose I were to tell you that, um, Sylvia and I are not married.
HELEN: I'd say you were lying.
Helen, I swear to you that Sylvia and I are not legally married.
I swear to you that Sylvia doesn't love me or want me.
I swear to you that if I walked out on Sylvia...
...she wouldn't care for a second.
I also swear to you, as sure as my name is Frank Luther Broderick...
...that everything I've told you is the truth.
HELEN: I don't believe any of it is true.
BOB: But suppose it were?
If it were true?
- Suppose it were? - Oh.
No, not yet. I wanna hear this from Sylvia first.
Sylvia?
But she doesn't even know.
HELEN: Well, then tell her.
Yes, that's the only way.
You tell her to come to my office tomorrow afternoon at 3:00...
...if you wanna see me again.
BOB: But I can't. HELEN: And believe me.
If you've been lying to me about this or anything else, Frank...
...I never wanna see you again.
No, I haven't been lying. I haven't.
What am I gonna do?
[GIBBERING]
[BAND PLAYING "WHAT IS THIS THING called Love"]
[SINGING]
Gretchen. Hi, Colin.
- What are you doing here? - You've gotta be Sylvia.
Sure, honey, but is it okay if I ask why?
Everything depends on it.
Now, look, tomorrow afternoon at 3:00, you go to Dr. Helen Brown's office.
I'll give you the details tonight.
Now, don't make any dates for tomorrow, okay?
GRETCHEN: Anything you say.
See you later.
[CONTINUES SINGING]
[SINGING "WHAT IS THIS THING called Love"]
Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
You got through early today, didn't you?
I did get through pretty quick so I could rush right home to you.
Aw.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, are you getting that, sweetheart?
FRANK: No, you get it, angel puss. I don't wanna talk to anybody but you.
Hello?
Oh, hello, kid.
Oh, everything's been beautiful since I went back to work.
Really? Um...
Did he, uh, tell you that I wanted you to come to the office tomorrow?
No, not yet.
But Frank and I have never been happier.
Well, please come anyway, will you? It's 3:00.
Sure, if you think it's important.
Mrs. Broderick, I think it's very important for all of us.
And, Mrs. Broderick, please don't mention to Frank that I called.
Anything you say, kid. See you tomorrow.
- Hi, dear. - Hi, honey.
Ah. Thank you, puss. Mmm.
Delicious.
BOB: You know why I'm worried?
That in just about a half-hour from now...
...my wife's gonna have a heart-to-heart talk with my sweetheart.
Haven't got a wife.
I haven't got a sweetheart.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll get it.
Hello?
I know I promised. But this is my big chance.
It might mean stardom and lots of money.
Irving has been trying to get this interview for months.
He's been following the producer, why, he's taken steam baths for me.
- Why is he taking steam baths for you? - The producer takes them.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but when fame knocks, you should answer.
That's opportunity.
Whatever it is, I'm answering.
And I can't make that appointment for you and that's final.
You'll walk over your friends to get to the top, huh?
Oh, someday, you'll understand.
Sometimes it's necessary to be ruthless.
You can't trust women.
They lie and they cheat. They've got no character, no conscience.
Look at the time. Susan...
Susan, it's gotta be you.
- Me? - Mm-hm.
I'm gonna get you a cab.
You're gonna go to Dr. Brown's office...
...tell her you're Sylvia, and we've been married for 10 years.
Ten years? But I'm too young.
Then look older. And lie, lie, lie.
Hello, Irving, this is Gretchen.
I wanna cancel my appointment.
I know you're a great agent.
I know you took steam baths.
But there are some things that are more important than stardom, fame and money.
I'm not gonna walk on my friends.
My man needs me, and I can't let him down.
S YLVIA: I beg your pardon.
Good afternoon. I'm Mrs. Frank Broderick.
I have an appointment with Dr. Brown, I believe.
Oh, yes, Mrs. Broderick, come right this way.
Dr. Brown is expecting you.
S YLVIA: Thank you.
- Mrs. Broderick. - Hi, kid.
HELEN: Oh, Mrs. Broderick.
Thank you so much for coming.
Oh, that's all right.
- Won't you sit down? - Oh, thank you.
Oh, it's good to get out of the office every now and then.
Well, what's on your mind, kid? You seemed kind of upset.
Oh. Well, I've been under something of a nervous strain.
Oh, well, life isn't easy, kid, take it from me.
Why don't you get it off your chest? Tell Sylvia all about it.
Mrs. Broderick.
I'm going to have to ask you a very personal question.
Shoot.
Are you and Frank really married?
Dr. Brown.
I mean, are you married legally?
Well, we most certainly are. I've got the papers to prove it.
I see.
But do you really care for him?
Oh, yes.
Frank is the most important thing in the world to me.
He's the sweetest, most wonderful, loyal, dearest...
[PHONE BEEPS]
Excuse me.
- Yes, Hilda. - Dr. Brown.
There's a woman out here who says she is Mrs. Frank Broderick.
Really?
That's very strange.
Well, would you ask her to, uh, wait there a moment, please?
Mrs. Broderick, something very confusing is happening.
I wonder if you would mind waiting in the other room.
Oh, no, not at all.
I hope it won't be too long. I hate to leave Frank alone.
Dr. Brown, you have no idea how tough the competition is...
...in the women's hosiery business.
- I'll tell you something, it's really murder. - Thank you.
I've only got a few minutes. Frank wanted me to tell you that...
...even though we've been together for 10 years...
...I wouldn't care a bit if he leaves me for you. Goodbye.
HELEN: Oh, wait.
Mrs. Broderick, are you sure...
...that we are talking about the same Frank Broderick?
Oh, yeah, honey. He's dark and handsome and has curly hair.
That's him, all right.
Mrs. Broderick, as far as you know...
...are you the only woman that Frank has ever married?
Oh, I'm positive. In fact...
[PHONE BEEPS]
Excuse me.
Yes, Hilda.
There's a young lady out here who insists she's Mrs. Frank Broderick.
- What? - Well, that's just what I said.
She merely repeated it.
Well, ask her to, uh, wait.
Mrs. Broderick, would you mind waiting here for a moment, please?
Oh, I can't, honey. After all, I have my own career.
Oh, wait.
Then would you mind just leaving through this door?
Thank you.
Wait.
- What's your first name? - Sylvia.
And I hope you and Frank have a real ball together.
Say, kid, I've washed my hands three times already.
Would you mind waiting one more minute?
I've had an emergency case.
Thank you, Mrs. Broderick.
Mrs. Broderick?
Dr. Brown?
Won't you come in, Mrs. Broderick?
Thank you, Dr. Brown.
Oh, please sit down, Mrs. Broderick.
Thank you.
Well, so you're, uh, Mrs. Broderick.
Oh, yes.
Yes, Frank and I have been married for 10 years.
- Oh. - Or, uh, six or eight.
It's so hard to keep track.
You know how time flies when you're with Frank.
Yes.
Well, Frank sort of adopted me when I was very young.
And we've been very good friends ever since.
Oh, that's nice.
Mrs. Broderick, does he come home to you every night?
Well, I really don't know.
You don't?
No, because, um...
Well, I don't come home every night.
Oh, I see.
[CHUCKLES]
- And your name is...? - Sylvia.
Sylvia.
Dr. Brown, I just have to tell you how grateful I am for your book.
I'm glad.
SUSAN: Oh, boy, so am I.
Are you through with me?
Because I have a lunch date with my boyfriend and I'm kind of late.
Of course. And if you happen to see Frank, say hello for me.
I will.
Dr. Brown, I think he's kind of stuck on you.
You're a very lucky girl. Bye-bye.
I don't usually listen at keyholes...
...but did I hear that girl say her name was Sylvia Broderick?
- Mrs. Frank Broderick. - Oh.
Mrs. Broderick, you and that girl are both married to the same man.
What did you say?
- I said... - I heard what you said.
You're trying to tell me that Frank has two wives?
No wonder I don't have any clothes.
And I was almost fourth.
Mrs. Broderick...
...your husband is a very sick man.
Yeah, he's about to pass away.
Mrs. Broderick, no. He must be handled with kid gloves.
Oh, good idea. No fingerprints.
Operator, get me the police.
Of course it's an emergency.
A man is going to be murdered in a few minutes if they don't save him.
Frank Broderick? You're under arrest.
What for? Because I mix a little cotton in with the nylon...
- For bigamy. - Bigamy?
Oh, boy, you fellows got the wrong guy. You just ask my wife Sylvia.
That's the one who signed the complaint.
- Come on, take him away, boys. - It's a mistake.
Eunice, tell them. I never even look at another girl.
It's 10 years I've been married.
And in all those years, I never even looked at another girl.
[GLASS CRASHING]
They used to have chimes.
S YLVIA: Oh, hi, kid. Come on in.
I'm smashing everything I can't take.
I am flying to Las Vegas.
HELEN: For a divorce? S YLVIA: For a good time.
I can't get a divorce.
I'm not even sure that I'm the one that's married to him.
You know the part that really stumps me?
How could anyone so ugly get three girls?
Frank isn't ugly, Mrs. Broderick. If anything, he's quite attractive.
- Him? - Yes.
Him.
Listen, kid, he's even a lousy stocking manufacturer.
Just take a look at this junk.
Is it any wonder the competition's killing him?
- How about a drink? - Oh, I don't drink.
That's ridiculous.
- I'm Dr. Rudy DeMeyer, I'd love one. - Oh, so would I.
Mrs. Broderick, I've brought along Dr. DeMeyer...
...to join me in pleading with you not to punish Frank, but to help him.
Help him?
Yes, help your husband Frank.
Him.
I'd like to get your husband out of jail where I can treat him.
No, I'd like to leave him in jail until his teeth fall out.
Mrs. Broderick, that's not fair.
Your husband is very ill.
There's a reason he keeps marrying all these girls.
A reason he only falls in love with girls named Sylvia.
My name isn't Sylvia.
That's the one ray of hope. He is departing from his pattern.
And we may be able to save him.
- For what? - For what?
I don't know.
Mrs. Broderick, please.
I know your husband. I know him well.
He's opened up his heart to me...
...and I know that it's only you that he loves and needs.
And I know that deep inside...
He's sweet and gentle and kind.
Mrs. Broderick, is this your husband?
Mine and everyone else's.
Mrs. Broderick.
This is not the man you're married to.
He's the man that's come here to sleep for the last 10 years.
But this is not the man who's been coming to my office.
This man is ugly.
Now, just a minute, doctor. Do not talk that way about my Frank.
The Frank who's been coming to my office is young, handsome and charming.
He looks like Jack Lemmon.
Oh, well, that's Bob Weston.
- Who? - Bob Weston.
The managing editor of Stop.
He lives right next door.
Say, has he been coming to you with my marriage problems?
Rudy, this is shocking.
I'm scared.
Is that the Bob Weston who wrote the magazine article?
Oh, no, it can't be true.
With Bob Weston?
Bob Weston is the dirtiest dog around.
Next to Bob Weston, do you know what Frank is?
A nun.
Rudy.
He's doing a story on me.
That's why he went so far.
I'd like to smash his face.
And what a story. Oh, what I said to him.
Oh, what I did.
Rudy, I want to go away.
Before that article is published.
Go to Vegas, kid. You can make a bundle.
I wanna go somewhere where they've never even heard of Stop magazine.
I know.
Take me to Fiji.
Fiji?
Yes, Fiji.
Where women are women, and men are worms.
Well, if you're really serious, I'll wiggle along.
Take me to my apartment to pack.
Say, wait a minute.
Does that mean that Frank is innocent?
How do I know? I never saw him before.
But of course he's innocent.
How could he possibly be interested in another woman when he already has me?
Operator, get me the police.
Of course it's an emergency.
An innocent man has been unjustly imprisoned.
Oh, I could just see that Bob Weston.
How he must be gloating.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Don't be a fool, Weston.
Turn in your story on Helen Brown.
We've promised our readers.
Sorry, Randall.
Dr. Helen Brown is a decent human being.
It would be indecent to malign her.
[GROANING AND MUTTERING]
CHIEF: I'd like a word with Mr. Weston alone.
- Well, Bob. - Chief?
It makes my heart bleed to see you like this.
Think of your future.
Why, you have greatness in you.
Bob, I've come to regard you as my own son.
As you know, I have no children of my own...
...and I was thinking of changing my will.
- It won't work, chief. - But, son...
I'm sorry.
Very well.
We'll print the story with what we've got.
No, you won't.
I'll deny any of it happened, and she'll sue you for $ 12 million.
- You're despicable. - No, despicable.
- Despicable. - Yes, good.
- And you're through. - Yes.
[CHUCKLING]
And when I'm finished with you...
...no decent publication in the country will hire you.
Get out. Get out.
Get out.
Susan?
[SUSAN GIGGLING]
Susan, Sylve...
Susan, after all the years you've been my secretary, the lea...
Well, the least you could do is stop while I'm talking to you.
Weston, get out.
This is not your office anymore, but mine.
This is my secretary.
Poor, poor Sylvester.
I taught you every rotten thing you know.
Yeah, and look what it's got me.
Your office, your job, your secretary, even your clothes.
While you, Weston, you're all finished.
That's what you think, Sylvester. For me, it's only the beginning.
You may have the money and the power and sex...
...but I've got love.
Taxi.
- Your wife says she's coming to get you. - She'll never have another chance.
I'm heading back to the office to get my sample case, then I'm flying to Hawaii.
Taxi.
- Main and 40th. - Thank you.
You're welcome, and hurry.
- Taxi. - You must have just missed him.
He was afraid you wouldn't forgive him.
Forgive him? I want him to forgive me.
I want to crawl on my knees.
Taxi.
Main and 40th, and don't stop for anything.
Certainly, but we'll get there just as fast if we relax and take our time, won't we?
What?
You get this cab moving or I'll wrap it around your neck.
Uh...
Well, excuse me, but what's happening?
- Why are they tearing down the building? - Hilton's putting up a hotel here.
BOB: A hotel?
Well, what happened to the institute? Where is everyone?
There is no more institute. Offenbach ran away with the money.
Chickering ran away to Europe.
And me, I'm going into politics, where the real money is.
You know where Hele... I mean, Dr. Brown is?
Yes, although it was all her fault.
She ran away with Rudy to Fiji.
I think you can still catch her at home if you wanna offer congratulations...
Fiji!
Okay, Joe, let her go.
To the airport, as fast as you can drive.
That's all I want, a chance to show what I can do.
Hold onto your seats.
Helen, wait.
He's coming after us. Faster, faster.
Ha! Watch my smoke, lady.
I could have been an astronaut, but the pace was too slow.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
There he goes. Catch him.
Look, lady, there are speed laws.
Shut up and drive.
Okay, driver, you can slow down now.
HELEN: Yeah.
We've lost him, all right.
See that? Nobody passes Speed Vogel.
Nobody even catches up.
He's losing us. Faster, faster.
Lady, I'm a law-abiding man. Also, I'm accident prone.
You better catch that car or I'll break your other arm.
Bob, Bob, come here.
Come here.
Sylvia, I can't stop now. I've gotta find Helen.
I don't care about Helen. Frank's up ahead.
You go tell him I love him and want to apologize.
Frank.
Hey, where you going?
Sylvia's coming behind in a cab to...
Frank! Whew.
Rudy, isn't that Frank Broderick?
Why, no, I think, that's Jack Lemmon.
Helen, wait. I've got something to tell you.
I hate you.
- How? You don't even know me. HELEN: Yes, I do.
You're Bob Weston of Stop magazine, the dirtiest fink I've ever known.
- Faster, Mr. Vogel. BOB: Helen, wait.
Faster, faster.
- Can't you go any faster? - Lady, lady, please.
Speeders on the bridge. Head them off before they reach the highway.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]
Some kind of a white convertible.
It looked like a blue Bentley inside of a yellow cab.
[SIREN WAILING]
[SPLUTTERING]
[HORNS HONKING]
Pay no attention, Harvey. Don't let them rush you.
Of course, Emily.
Hold it there, mister.
All right, where's the fire?
- Frank. - Bob, you know me.
In 10 long years, did I ever once glance at another woman?
- And now she wants to... - No, no, no, Sylvia loves you.
She wants to apologize. Stop for her.
Really? I can't stop.
BOB: Why not? - I got a girl in the back.
Gretchen.
What are you doing with him?
Oh, you go home to your Dr. Brown.
- Bob, take her in your car, will you? BOB: Why should I?
FRANK: So I can go back for Sylvia. BOB: I can't, Frank, I gotta catch Helen.
Sylvia.
Helen.
You're the only girl in the world for me.
I had to lie.
But I swear, I'll never lie again. Never.
HELEN: Then what are you doing with her?
- Get moving, Speed. - She's a strange person.
I've never seen her in my life before.
I gotta stop her from ruining her life.
That maniac, I'll fix him.
BOB: No, no, no, now, cool down.
Now, take it easy.
Now, now, no, now, watch yourself.
To the airport, as fast as you can.
Right, mister. All I want is a chance.
- Where do you think you're taking me? - Anywhere you wanna go.
On our honeymoon.
RUD Y: Taxi, taxi.
- Where's the driver? - I had to throw him out.
- I couldn't get him to move. - Move, I gotta catch Helen.
- Well, I've gotta catch Frank. - I'll catch Frank.
Bob, Bob.
- Frank, Frank. - Helen, Helen.
Sylvia, Sylvia.
My taxi, my taxi.
[HORN HONKING]
If you don't stop at once, I'll have you both arrested for kidnapping.
Well, just let me find an exit.
Hey, pass me a pretzel, will you?
- Stop, you sex fiend. - Yes, ma'am.
Sylvia, dreamboat, I've been looking...
Where'd you get the pretzel?
S YLVIA: Oh, Frank. Here you are, pussycat.
- Hey, Helen. - Frank, look out.
[HORNS HONKING]
BOB: Helen. - Keep away from me.
- Hey, my taxi fare.
- Hey, hey. - Helen.
Helen, will you please let me explain?
HELEN: Keep away from me, stay away. BOB: I love you.
S YLVIA: Frank.
BOB: Helen. HELEN: Get away from me.
RUD Y: Helen, come on.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
BOB: Would you believe this?
DRIVER: My taxi, my taxi.
My motorcycle, my motorcycle.
- There's that cop again. - Harvey, look out.
[CRASHING]
Helen, that night in your apartment...
Oh, shut up.
She loved me then. Can you deny it?
- Rudy, kick them out. - No.
You didn't answer him.
Oh, shut up. You are just as impossible as he is.
I think they're both cute.
Well, thank you, my dear.
- And your name is? - Gretchen.
Tell me, Gretchen, do you like to dance?
S YLVIA: Hey.
Where's Frank?
BOB: Will you tell her that I love her?
He loves you. That's why he lost his job.
Yeah, because he wouldn't do that dirty story.
S YLVIA: Frank. FRANK: Sylvia.
Oh, Frank, darling, I'll never let you leave me.
FRANK: Sylvia, I love you.
Frank, you're taking me to Hawaii and don't you forget it.
In front of my wife?
Frank? Frank!
Catch that car or I'll make you take me to Hawaii.
You hot-rodders are a menace.
[INAUDIBLE]
Hey, officer, where's Bob?
OFFICER: Who's Bob?
Friend of mine in a car like yours, just went shooting by.
Speeding, huh? Watch me get him.
And that's the story I wanted to run.
How your advice saved a marriage...
...of a faithful stocking manufacturer and his jealous wife.
That's the reason they fired me.
Oh, how you all lie so easily.
And stick up for each other. You make me sick.
My taxi, my taxi.
All right, buddy, pull over.
[CRYING]
BOB: Helen, it began all wrong. Can we start from the beginning?
Yes, as enemies. I hate you.
Hot dog. What a sexy slap.
What are you trying to do, discourage him or satisfy yourself?
I won't be dominated by any man.
I'd gladly be dominated by any man.
Is that what you think I'm trying to do, dominate you?
Well, I never dug a chick like you, anyway.
Thanks for turning me down.
Really? Well, don't mention it.
Buster, you can have her back. I don't want her.
Gretchen, I'm taking you to Hawaii.
Okay, honey.
- Sylvia. - Frank.
No, no, no. I'm taking Gretchen to Hawaii.
Thank heaven. Here are your tickets.
- My sunshine. - Oh, my very own.
Oh, let's go.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Now, hear this. Now, hear this.
You're all under arrest.
This whole airport is under arrest!
Every plane, every truck, every car, every person in this airport is under arrest.
And I don't want nobody leaving this airport without orders from me.
And them there is orders.
- To go to Hawaii with that Rudy. - Forget about that Rudy.
He's going to the Fiji Islands with that screwy kid.
You there in that control tower, I want you to throw off all your switches...
...put out that beacon.
You up there, bring that plane down.
That's right. That's right, bring it on down.
You people out there on the highway, pull over.
I wanna see everybody's license.
I wanna see your driver's license, pilot license...
...transport license, hangar license, building license...
...see your "license" license.
And everybody everywhere is under arrest.
It's all that Bob Weston's fault. What a friend.
Yeah, and she tried to convince me you were a bigamist.
Would I ever so much as look at another woman?
That's right, this is the chief. Get it here fast.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: American Airlines Flight 44...
... connecting for Las Vegas, Hawaii and the Fiji Islands.
- All passengers to Gate 88. HELEN: Rudy.
I don't wanna go to Fiji.
I don't wanna be a single girl.
I want Bob Weston.
Now, isn't that ironic.
You wrote a book teaching single girls everywhere how to land their men...
...and now you can't even land the one you want.
I know exactly how to get him back.
Just you watch.
WOMAN: American Airlines Flight 44...
... connecting for Las Vegas, Hawaii and the Fiji Islands.
All passengers to Gate 88.
Flight 44 at Gate 88, leaving at 4:48.
[HELEN CRYING]
Oh, Helen, come on, now. No, it's not necessary to cry.
Oh, Helen, no, no, no.
Everything's gonna be all right. No, there's no reason to cry.
I want all moving vehicles everywhere to halt.
BOB: No, everything's gonna be fine. - Thank you.
Helen, no...
WOMAN: Airline Flight 106 for Fiji, Auckland, Sydney and Melbourne.
Now boarding at Gate 26.
- Thank you. - Whew.
I'm glad we finally got rid of those two pests.
I got them. Let's get on that plane before we get tangled up with those pests.
Oh, a second honeymoon. Where are you taking me, moogie?
To the Fiji Islands, baby.
Our marriage can survive there because the women don't wear stockings.
Aw.
But if I'm giving up my practice to become your wife...
...and you've lost your job...
...then how would you support me after the honeymoon?
I've got a better job with Dirt magazine.
Now, now, let me explain.
They want me to take that filthy rag and turn it into the most influential...
...most respected news magazine in the whole world.
WOMAN: Your attention, please.
Airline Flight 110 for Wake Island, Wong Island...
... Tokyo and Hong Kong, now boarding at Gate 24.
Come on, folks, stand back.
Everything is under control. Stand back.
Stand back, everything's under control. Stand back.
Your red light and siren in good working order?
Yes, sir.
Driver...
...follow that plane.